Caterpillar: Who… are... you?
Alice: I-I hardly know, sir, just at present—at least I know
who I was when I got up this morning,
but I think I must have changed several times since then. – Lewis Carroll
This resonates with me.
Alice's visit to Wonderland is the best analogy for my
own life I ever found.
In my favorite version of it (Tim Burton’s), she falls down
the rabbit hole as she’s trying to clear her head after being faced with a
major life decision. The rabbit hole takes her to "Underland". It’s
there she comes across all these peculiar circumstances that force her to face
herself; preparing her for who she is to become. She gets big, she gets small,
and she gets to try herself in all these different ways until she fits. She
finds companionship. She discovers her own courage, her bravado, her muchness. She finds herself. Amongst all
the chaos and madness of Underland, Alice finds herself. She comes into who she was always intended to be.
When
I woke up in my own Wonderland several years ago, I was a mother to three young children (more on
that later). Today two of those children are teenagers, and one is well on her
way with a 13th birthday coming up. Some days it's like- how did I get here?
And how do I balance it all? Some days I feel big, others I feel
small, and like a lot of other mothers I have many roles, and I never know
which one life will throw at me next. I find myself in situations that force me
to become the type of woman I never dreamed I'd be; a better, more grown up,
responsible, conscious, assertive, compassionate version of the girl who
fell down the rabbit hole contemplating frivolous things.
I’m parenting my children solo, in the sense that I’m the
sole breadwinner, provider, and caretaker for them. There is no weekend “me”
time, or money coming in to help pay for healthcare, sports, or bubblegum. But
damn I used to envy those moms. Sometimes I suppose I still do. I don’t put a lot
of my energy there though. I’ve learned that there are upsides and downsides to
being those moms. As well as there are both pros and cons to solo parenting.
Some of the pros to doing this thing alone are that my kids and I do what we
want, or more accurately put, we do what I
want. Not sharing finances, and custody means that I also don’t share decision
making. There is no going back and forth with another adult about what my kids
will or won’t do. What I say goes. I
don’t waste any time or energy debating morals, culture, schools, haircuts,
clothing, and etcetera with someone who has opposing views.
Also. No sharing, splitting, or rotating holidays! Sure it
would be nice to have every other weekend off from “momming” it but it wouldn’t
be worth it if I had to forgo Christmas every other year. Something else I
noticed recently is that I get to be greedy with their love. I know this
probably makes me a horrible person, but I can’t help but revel that every time
they succeed or get some type of victory they come to me first. I get to share all of the wonderful things that happen to
them before anyone else. Further, I and I alone get to brag about it all. And
brag I do.
But here I go again- you’ll get to see this is a theme with
me. I start out in what seems to be a dialogue about me, and it very quickly
shifts to my children. Being a parent, a single parent at that, leaves little
time for yourself- guilt free anyway (that’s another topic for another day).
Blogging is my attempt to find some balance. I’ve always had a passion for writing. I think it’s an insanely beautiful thing to see words consume a blank page- one meaningless letter at a time until they’ve filled pages telling heroic stories, or ugly truths. It’s while putting my thoughts on paper that my own truth makes its way out of my clouded, busy brain.
This blog is my place to share ideas and thoughts; to
contemplate, reflect and connect with like-minded people. That’s about all I
have for now. Check back soon to read more from See Mom Do.
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