It’s Sunday afternoon and I just dropped Nic off at work. Soon
I’ll pick Angiebaby up from a sleepover. In the living room I can hear Elijah studying
while eating “brain food.” (More on that later.) Odin is wore out, chillin’ in
the hallway with a ball in his mouth. I’m not quite sure why he won’t put it
down, because he’s obviously exhausted and has no motivation to play with it. I
made a trip to Tractor Supply this morning to get him some new toys because
he’s going stir-crazy in this house. Being as cold as it is, I practically have
to kick him out of the door to use the bathroom- and he’s a beast. Try budging
90 pounds of stubbornness out of your door sometime. The shit ain’t easy!
Anyway- I’m babbling. This weekend has been really great.
Despite the fact that I lost my shit on my daughter yesterday before she left
for work, and then she ignored my “I’m sorry I suck,” texts all afternoon. Regardless
of that- it’s been the kind of stuff that my childhood dreams of motherhood
were made up of. (PS-Nic and I made up over soft-serve in the DQ parking lot
when she got off work.)
I’ve been contemplating why this weekend has been so good,
and why it isn’t always like this.
Why some weekends I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel, in a tornado, or even worse-
failing miserably to keep up with it all. I know a lot of families are busy. I’m not saying we’re busier than you, but- we go hard. Maybe you go hard
too. I don’t know. But if you do- you might want to pay attention, because I
was startled by what I discovered this morning. Even though it’s not a new
message to me. I’ve heard it before, hell I’ve tried it before. I just don’t
think I’ve applied it like this before.
So- when my kids were all in grade school they’d come home
in the afternoons, and that time was spent; watching TV, having supper, playing
outside, doing homework, and whatever else we wanted to do. It’s not like that
anymore. Pretty much everyone in this house has someplace to be every day from
sun up to sun down. The days where we all have to be in multiple different
places at once gets tricky. If we are acquaintances (you and I) and you have a
car and live within the vicinity, odds are you’ve driven at least one of my
children someplace. At least once.
Life is moving by at an alarming rate. There are so many
things to do with such a small window of time to do them in. We’re all just
going through the motions in this house. When I write out the calendar for the
week, I always say a little prayer, “God give me strength, or if you prefer a pro
bono personal assistant with a nice ass and good organizational skills. Amen.” Apparently
God thinks I need strength.
So initially this weekend was made up of all this stuff I
was going to do, and then I wasn’t going to do any of that stuff and I was
going to take my kids out of town. Only, it wasn’t working out. I kept trying
to approach it from all these angles, and then another barrier would show up.
But I’m the kind of girl who once my mind is made up, I don’t cave. I go full
force. And made up my mind was. We were going to visit some people and hang out
at a water park.
But then something changed. There became a shift in my
intent after I got a string of texts from my son reminding me that exams are
next week, and he’s sorry but he’s not going to be able to go out of town with
me. He compiled a list of foods that are good for your brain and asked me to
buy them so that he can do really well on his exams. (Update: Since Friday
that’s all he’s done is study and eat super foods.)
Ahh. There it is though. My discovery. Purpose. Through
those text messages my purpose changed. It changed from: be everywhere all at
once, and make it to everything, to: just support your babies.
Usually when I’m home I have a million things going on at
once, all of my roles are being intertwined. My purpose changing at a moment’s
notice. This weekend that wasn’t the case. I was just mom.
I’ve been here, present, and in the thick of it. And I
haven’t doubted my decision for a minute. I feel like this is where I’m
supposed to be. Home. Here. Rooting for my little champions. Feeding them brain
food.
The only role, my sole purpose
this weekend was support my babies. I
have the rest of my life to support other people and go to water parks. I only
have a few years left with these guys to teach them about honor and
responsibility and purpose. My purpose was here, dishes, sweeping, keeping it
quiet, and feeding brains, and I am totally okay with that.
Elijah never asked me to stay home. In fact I’m not sure
that would’ve even crossed his mind, but as people who know each other well do, you read one another. I read him. I read right through “super foods, and quiet
places to study,” to, “Mom I need you.”
He makes me. He makes me better.
I know it’s our job to make our children better, but
sometimes we don’t know better. Sometimes, every now and again we have to let
them guide us, and teach us a thing or two about life, and love, and support,
and purpose.
I realized today that when I don’t have any other agendas, I
can be where I am stress free, guilt free- essentially free. My purpose doesn’t
get clouded and bogged down by other stuff and I can be fully present. Which
even left a few pockets of time for me to do some things for myself like talk
to a good friend, and write all this down.
As I left the house to pick up Angiebaby I heard my son call
after me the same few words he’s called after me every time I’ve left the house
for the last few years, “I love you. Drive safe.”
“I love you too, I will.” I say. As I close the door I
think, “And thank you Elijah for showing me, on the days I don’t know how- to
be your mom.”
In a world full of places to be and things to do, I choose here. I choose this purpose, this place. I have a way of letting my purpose pass me by, so I guess what I really mean to say, that at the end of the day, at the end of this day, is that I'll always remember this. The weekend that I was present and had purpose, and things felt meaningful, and kids were nice, and I enjoyed every minute of every dish I washed. XoXo,
Stephanie Ann.
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