“While
an adolescent remains inconsistent and unpredictable in his behavior, he may
suffer, but he does not seem to
me, to be in need of treatment. I think that he should be given time and scope to work out his own solution. Rather, it
may be his parents who need help and guidance so
as to be able to bear with him. There are few situations in life that which are
more difficult to cope with
than an adolescent son or daughter during the attempt to liberate themselves.”
-Anna Freud (1958)
“Adolescence”
Fact: If you have a teenager, you’re going to have conflict.
Fact: Teenagers can come off as self-centered assholes so
essentially this can make resolving
conflicts a natural disaster. I mean- like
tornadoes, and hurricanes, and shit.
But I wouldn’t trade a thing.
Do you hear me?
I would not trade a thing.
Three teenagers. One house. Chaos, machismo, and tears.
Misunderstandings, broken trust, and retaliation.
The problem with teenagers is this:
There isn’t a problem with teenagers. There’s a problem with
parents and their ability to understand teenagers. I get it. I’m guilty of it.
In the heat of the moment it’s hard not to get entangled. It’s hard not to take
it personal. It’s hard not to get hurt by
the things they say. It takes regulation of your own emotional state to not
retaliate and react to them out of anger. It takes practice and genuine
consideration for your child to not use your power as authority figures over
them as a means to control the situation. Because this really only escalates
the problem, amirite? Nobody I know
ever walks away from being overpowered thankful for that experience. They
either fight back in an attempt to save face, or harbor resentments. I really
think there’s a better way than forcing them to submit.
If you’re over 20 and reading this you have experience being
a teenager. (Go you! You survived!) Maybe you can think back and remember what
that was like. I remember. How could I not forget? My emotions were raw, and
alive, and untamed. Everything was real and big; amplified versions of what was
actually going on. I was sensitive, and every
sense was heightened.
As if my experiences alone weren’t enough, I majored in psych.
So I took all the classes; Adolescent psych, Abnormal Psych, Developmental
psych, and so on. I know that ‘teenage brain’ isn’t just a loose term we throw
around to describe the forgetful, tired, moody people they become. It’s an
actual definition, an explanation for the dramatic changes that are taking
place in their brains and their bodies that more or less make them aliens to
themselves, and the people who know them. Additionally, for as confidant, tough,
and cocky as they come off- they are fragile.
But oh damn! In the moment when they’re ‘acting out’ it’s so
easy to forget all of that, and I want to punch them in the face.
And I can. That’s my right. I can respond to being called a
bitch, with a punch in the face.
But what does that teach? Really it only instills in them the belief that when people hurt you, it’s okay to hurt them back. It teaches that it’s okay to use psychical force as a means of gaining control of the person and or situation.
I don’t need to have control. I need to have peace. I don’t
need to send three more angry people out into our already angry hostile world.
I need to send humans that understand how to communicate effectively and that
can recognize how their actions can directly impact the lives of those around
them-good or bad. I don’t need the last word. I need my children to understand that
sometimes bowing out of a conflict or altercation is the road less traveled,
because it is a harder road to
travel. I don’t need to be right. I need my kids to know that it’s okay to be
wrong. I don’t need to be liked, respected,
or appreciated. Because in this world we live in I need my kids to understand
that not everyone is going to like, respect, or appreciate them, and they need
to learn how to be okay with that. I don’t need them to adhere to every word I
say. I need them to learn to make good decisions on their own, and how to think
for themselves. I don’t need to teach them that love flows more freely when
they behave, mind, or please me. I need to teach them that love by its very
definition is unconditional. They need to know that they are always, no matter
what, worthy of love.
But as parents, we have to draw the line somewhere right? I mean- a large part of
our job is to prepare them for life beyond the safety of our walls. And that
means teaching them to respect other people’s boundaries. It means teaching
them that there are laws and rules they have to follow, whether they like them
or not- or there will be
consequences. It’s a really fine line when you think about it. I have to give
them freedom- yet I have to reign them in. I get to choose how I reign them in
though. I can tug so hard I give them whiplash, or I can guide them back
gently, with love, patience, and understanding. One of the biggest conflicts we
have with our teens is due to a lack of understanding on our end. My 13 year
old’s most common line is, “Mom, you don’t understand.”
We know today that kids in fact do what they see- not what
they’re told. You are the example. You set the tone. It comes down to a
matter of parenting smarter. It takes
thought and consideration, not snap decisions in the heat of the moment.
Because let’s face it- they have more endurance than us- they can argue far
longer, but we’re smarter. We have experiences that far surpass theirs, and
that puts us at an advantage.
Your teens not doing their chores? Pay their siblings to do
it, and confiscate their phone until they can pay you back the money that you
had to pay out. Done and done.
By not reacting or engaging in a verbal gun-down you are
respecting them and their boundaries, which eventually teaches
them to respect you and your boundaries. Sure, it takes longer. They don’t shut
up as fast as they would if you punched them in the face, but by not
compromising who you are, they will
learn not to compromise who they are.
Unless of course you’re a person who likes
to punch people in the face then you’re not compromising who you are at all,
but who you are sucks. (Except if you’re Ronda Rousey #GoTeamRonda).
When I first started trying to develop a parenting style of
my own, I read books, took classes, and listened to CD’s. I never even knew that
having a parenting style was a thing, and once I found resources on parenting
approaches, I was astonished that there isn’t more emphasis put on finding a
parenting style that suits parents and their families. We invest so much into
our children. Yet- a lot of us don’t find it necessary to invest in learning
the most effective ways of coping with and dealing with our kids. It’s so
common to just “wing it,” or do what our own parents did. Despite whether or
not that was effective with us or is
effective with our kids.
I’m going to end my rant now, but a wise woman once told me
something to the effect of this: The world can be a cruel place. Don’t let your
home be. Kids need a safe place to go and lick their wounds, and if they can’t
go home to heal up- they’ll find someplace else to go, and generally those
aren’t safe places.
Love them for who they are and meet them on their turf.
I think I’ll go tattoo this on my hand so I don’t forget.
Much love.
Stephanie Ann
PS. Drawing in photo is courtesy of my youngest daughter circa 2012.
