The Most Maddening Thing About Her

I am in so much pain. And I am scared.

And it doesn’t even matter why, but I know that fear is driving all the rest of my emotions.

I’ve heard that fear stems from one of two things. First; you’re afraid you’re not going to get something you want, and second, you’re afraid of losing something you already have.

I’m afraid of both.

And there’s nothing I can do besides pray.

And even that- even the act of praying feels futile. It brings me this temporary comfort in an otherwise messy hostile world. It gives me a sliver of hope that my worst fears won’t be realized- until another disaster strikes. And then I’m reminded that this is out of my control, and yes God answers prayers, but not always in the way we want him to, and in the end that’s all we have that’s tangible is one another. And how incredible is that, that God gave us people to share this journey with? But that's not going to change anything. People can't change this thing. That's where people get confused a lot of times. That's where I was confused for a long time; thinking other people had some kind of power they would bestow upon me to save me. 

Ryne and other people ask, “Is there anything I can do?”

No. No there really isn’t, because I’ve traveled down this road before. I see other people on this road and in my own selfishness, I count my blessings. How twisted is that- to count your blessings at the expense of other people’s misfortunes?

But now here I am again. I stand and face a disease that there is no real cure for, only it’s not me who has to face it this time. But it feels like it is. And maybe she doesn’t even have it. But maybe she does. Lately it feels like trying to catch a tornado with a lasso! Impossible. Interesting to watch, but impossible non-the-less. 

And if there is one thing I know for sure, it’s that if she does- if she has this thing, there is nothing that another human power can do to help her.

She will be at the mercy of finding a God and letting him do with her as he wills.

As I do, (or try to rather). 

Having the disease of alcoholism is the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but it's only as great as it is because I got sober. Not everybody gets that chance. 

I don’t get to control this. I don’t get to control this. And that’s so fucked up and frightening. I literally have no control over how big this thing gets.

And so I wonder, is this really what God wants to do with me? Maybe. And maybe not.

Here’s another thing I’ve come to see, facing her- it’s like looking in a mirror from 25 years ago, only she’s a lot more privileged than I ever was, and she can’t even see it. She's also far more talented at pretty much everything than I ever was. She is so much. But her muchness is dormant, and I don't know how to get it back. I can't get it back, and I can't lose her. 

So I’m going to go to bed now. And I’m going to try and keep my prayers unselfish. I’ll pray for you and your family, and your friends, and at the end- because I can’t help myself, I’m going to sneak a prayer in there for her too. For both her sake and mine. Because watching someone you've loved, and nurtured, and cared for turn into someone you hardly recognize is no easy feat. 

Much love.

Stephanie Ann.