A challenge I’ve relentlessly faced as a single mother is
all sorts of uninvited feedback from all sorts of well-meaning people. I know
these people (most times) mean me no harm. Yet- it seems as though being a
single parent opens the door and throws out the welcome mat for others people’s
ideas and opinions about our lives.
Lately I hear the phrase- or phrases very similar that go
something like this: “You get to have a life.”
If you’re a single parent you probably hear this a lot too.
I know what they are trying to say- I really do. They’re
trying to tell me that it’s okay to do things separate from my kids. It’s okay
to take, “me time.” A slogan I’ve come to loathe, but one no less that carries
a message on the importance of personal well-being and self-care.
But-
It still makes me cringe, because I already have a life.
It’s full and it’s filled with love and meaning and joy and laughter. It’s also
filled with endless piles of laundry, repeated reminders to finish homework,
unending bickering, and unfinished chores. But- it is a life. It is my life. It is my purpose. It is the
thing that grounds me. It is the reason I am both together and a “hot mess.”
And yes, I want to be fun and exciting and carefree
sometimes, but I also just really want to sit on my sofa and tune-out. True-
there are things I want to do sans kids, talents I want to refine and places I
want to visit, but- I also know that when I’m not with them- (most times), no
one else is either, and unless leaving them is a necessity it feels
irresponsible.
And “me-time” lately feels like one more tiring thing on my
to-do list.
At the end of the day me-time looks a lot like me falling
asleep watching Netflix on my laptop, only to wake up a few hours later
reminded of all the sh** I should’ve been doing instead.
Here’s what it looks like when I make plans to go out and do
things sans kids: “Ohemgee! I cannot wait to see you and do ‘the thing.’ It’s
going to be such a good time, I really
miss you!!”
Here’s what it looks like when the time actually arrives:
“Dammit- why do I make plans?! I don’t want to go. Stephanie just do it. Me
time-is important. You made the plan now do the plan. Don’t be a flake.”
Here’s what it looks like an hour in: “Wow! Look at you out
and about doing the plan! Go girl. I’m so proud of you.”
Here’s what it looks like two hours in: “Well that was fun-
oh- they’re not done yet. Bummer. How much longer is this going to take really?” **Checks time. Feigns interest.**
I know going out with my friends and meeting new people is
important- don’t get me wrong here. I’m far too young to become a recluse. But
the over emphasis to do the things and make the plans that fall under the umbrella
of me-time is really starting to feel like a hostage situation.
It’s not that I’m not going out with great people. I am. I
am surrounded by wonderful, funny, inspiring, talented friends and family. It’s
not them- It’s me. I’m so bogged down by this idea that I must go out and enjoy myself that it ends up feeling like a chore
and I end up not enjoying myself at all.
There are these ideas out there of what “me time” should look like- and
I try to live up to that- yet I’m just not cool with that, and it ends up
feeling forced and erroneous.
The message I get from catchphrases that get tossed around
feels like a set of instructions of sorts on how to live a fulfilling life. It
restrictive. Limiting.
Don’t regulate my free time- that just all kinds of oxy-moronic.
Yet- the pressure I feel to comply when I hear this stuff is heavy and
burdensome and taxing, and then I need a nap after making a mental note to
conform.
And in case you’re wondering spending your free-time napping
rather than socializing is okay. It doesn’t always mean you’re isolating. And
then again maybe you are. However I’m a big advocate of listening to your mind
and body, so if its telling me to withdraw from people for a bit, maybe there’s
a reason. Maybe I need to hear something that only the quiet can bring. Maybe I’ll
hear what I need to from the music that blasts in my ears- tuning you out. Others
people’s voices get so loud and deafen the voice inside myself that knows what
I need. I can’t always get what’s best for me from you. You have great ideas
and suggestions, and sometimes that stuff works great for me- but sometimes it
doesn’t, and I need to tap into my own source for direction and guidance.
Myself and I
receive enlightening insights about what I need when I’m in the stillness, or the loudness of my own chaotic life. The cost of
buying into other people’s ideas about what a fulfilling life is or looks like-
is way too high. I can no longer pay that price.
Lots of people have lots of (unwarranted) good ideas and
suggestions for my life. But at the end of the day- it’s my life. Being a
single mom- my life is going to look really unbalanced sometimes, it’s going to
look messy, chaotic, and maybe even a little fragile in places. I’ve readjusted
my expectations though, and I’m okay with it. It feels good to know I’ve given
my children the very best parts of me, and I know when I’m due some time to
myself. Trust me- I can feel that. I can feel it as strongly as I can feel the
hunger pains for supper kicking in on days I’ve skipped breakfast and lunch
because I was too busy forgetting to remember to eat.
Update: I wrote this last year, and never posted it, but since then I feel less and less like a single mother everyday. More on that to come!! XO
Much Love,
Stephanie
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