“My dad doesn’t like you.”
This is what my kid’s friend said to her the other day in my
kitchen, and she couldn’t have said it at a better time. Seriously- get this-
the two were baking a cake to celebrate their 4 years of friendship!!
Now let me get this out of the way, my kid, well- she’s no
saint. Further, she and her friend have made more than a few questionable
decisions together. I mean- the two of them together are like Tweedle Dee and
Tweedle Dum; giggling their way through life getting more and more confused the
further they think. But they’re also like Alice; sweet, naïve, curious,
trusting, and adventurous.
That’s why I decided to pull them in closer; finding activities they can do together that would be more
closely monitored. Besides they’re thirteen year old girls. Just that in itself
speaks volumes about where they’re at (mentally) in life. This world is big,
and confusing, and I’m not going to blame social media. It is what it is, we
live in the time we live in, and we deal with it. End of story.
Anyway- I wasn’t surprised because this isn’t the first time
I’ve heard this type of talk. Hosting her friends at our home over the years
I’ve heard the words, “my mom doesn’t like you,” or “my grandparents don’t like
you,” more than a few times, but never in regards to my daughter. I’m not even surprised
my daughter isn’t liked by someone, because trust me- I understand. I’m her
mom, and I know her well, but I am surprised that adults are so careless as to
let their distaste for a child be made blatantly aware to their own children.
If your kid brings home a shady kid, and you’re response is
to tell your kid you don’t like that shady kid- YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG!
First off, the
message you’re sending to your kid is this: “you’re a shady kid too.” Kids need
validation that the choices they are making are good ones- so if you flat-out
say you don’t like their choice in people, odds are they are going to
internalize that to this: “I make bad choices with bad people.” Is that the self-talk
we want our kids repeating in their little brains? No. That is not conducive to
instilling positive self-esteem in our children. In addition to that, you’re
basically telling your kid, “I know you’re too dumb to see this, but you
brought home a bad seed.”
Now this gets a little complicated because our kids don’t always make good decisions right?
And we obviously don’t want to praise bad decisions, or stand by and do nothing.
But a part of the way kids judge themselves is based off of the people they
hang around- So if you are saying their BFF is sketchy, the message is clear,
“I am sketchy too.” So here’s the deal… ready? People can make bad decisions
without being bad. We separate decisions from people, and we don’t say
everything we think in front of our kids.
We proceed with caution. If we don’t have a legitimate
reason for disliking said kid, and we’re just getting some bad vibes, we pull
those babies in closer, keep our mouths shut, and just observe. If there is
validity to why we don’t like this kid because of choices we know they made, we
can talk to our kids about those choices, get their perspectives, and offer our
own viewpoint.
Secondly, you
just ruined any chance of your child confiding anything to you about their
friend, that they, themselves may begin to question. You have relinquished your
role as “wise advice giver,” to “overtly judgmental dick.” Our jobs are to
counsel- not judge. We’re supposed to teach them how to make good decisions,
not criticize the ones they do make.
Third, they are going
to try to prove you wrong. This one is really unfortunate. If and when they do
realize their friend is shady AF, they are going to cling to that friendship to
the very bitter end to prove they’re right and you have no idea what you are talking
about.
Fourth, in their
attempt to please you they may play both sides. So when they’re with their
friend they’ll talk trash about you, and when they’re with you, they’ll tell
you the horrors that the “shady kid,” is up to. So now you’ve taught your child
to gossip, and withhold, and make jabs. Good job mom and dad. You’re
successfully raising a “flaky fake,” who is more worried about people pleasing
than they are standing up for what they believe in. Way to go! Syke! You are
doing it wrong.
Fifth- You’re kid
is going to tell. Your kid is going to tell my kid, and me, and the rest of her
friends, and we’re all going to feel sad for your kid, and think you’re a douche monster. But I’m smart, and I know this game, so I’m not going to say anything
bad about you in front of your kid or mine. Instead, we’ll talk about how I
know that must have been hurtful to hear. I’m going to remind my child that she
is more than the choices she makes. I’ll question her, and ask her what she
likes about herself, so she is reminded that she loves herself, and how very
little your opinion of her matters. At the end of the day, and when it’s all
over my kid will still hold her head high. She’ll use her decisions- all of
them (good and bad) as stepping stones on her path to learning who she is and
who she isn’t.
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